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Slowest Common Denominator

Good Ol' Mikey Burns

The green grass grows where the red rocks rise
And the mountain goats stick to the mountain sides
But the van broke down with a crick-crack sound
So we sat on the side of the road in Montana

A dirty old marmot hid beneath a tree
While the Kraken was unleashed to keep us company
Then the tow truck arrived and the journey revived
As we sped down the road for Cut Bank, Montana

We rolled into a town with streets full of bears
And arrangements were made for vehicular repairs
Then heard the good word as we were referred
To the only rental shop in Cut Bank, Montana

We waddled on over to a Loony Tune motel
With mercs at the door to deter the clientele
But we were ushered in by the mob's kingpin
Who was good ol' Mikey Burns, Prince Thief of Montana

Mikey Burns has got a Chevrolet Venture
Mikey Burns has got your ticket for adventure
He said when you're a-pressed with a policeman's concerns
Just tell 'em you borrowed it from good ol' Mikey Burns

We were led into his kitchen slash living room
Enshrouded by an aura of taxidermic doom
And where Mikey ate his meals he also did his business deals
Right there in his home in Cut Bank, Montana

We tried to haggle down but we were fools
This was Mikey Burns' town with Mikey Burns' rules
So we heeded his advice and paid the list price
And our minivan snarled west on 2 in Montana

It soon became clear that we had sold our souls
To the only man eligible in all the polls
The king of the town, the cock of the walk
Ol' Mikey Burns in Cut Bank, Montana

The sun comes up and the moon goes down
And the casino bars open all around the town
And Mikey Burns laughs all the way to the bank
Cuz you can't prank a crank up in Cut Bank, Montana


Starship settles down and sets me free
Sand dunes stretch as far as the eye can see
The twin suns break me down on Tataouine

The winds rise up and sling the sand across this brutal desert land
Lost inside the Great Dune Sea I fear there is no hope for me
I feel the troopers closing in so my gears grind and my wheels spin
And I push for the distant shore cuz I'm the droid they're looking for

Canyon walls are looming over me
Sand dunes strech as far as the eye can see
The desolation breaks me down on Tataouine


Fisheater got a fish in his hand
Goes down to the bakery to see the baker man
Says, "Even before I got your door
I liked the way you smelled"

Fisheater says to the baker man,
"Bake me a fish cake fast as you can
Well I don't know the ingredients
But I know the way it tastes"

Fish in the water
Fisheater on land
The fish mouth's connected
To the fisherman's hand

Fisheater says, "Please add a little crunch
I go reeling from the feeling when I munch on my lunch
You know I would prefer pecans
But I'd abide by walnuts too"

Fisheater asks "Can you shape it like a star?"
Baker man says "That'll be an extra charge
A dime less six would be for/four sense/cents
And sensibility/centsibility(?)"

It's indirect ascension
This path from sea to land
Because what was the fish meat
Is now become the man

Spill the Chill

Trading my car for a submarine
To set my sights on sights unseen
Jump start off a trampoline and just go

Trading my car for an escalator
The speed is low but the height is greater
Hand rail's there to make it safer to go

Trading my car for a pogo stick
Gonna ride it high, gonna do a trick
And land clear out in Reykjavik when I go

Trading my car for an elephant
Gonna rip the road, gonna break cement
And you know I'll feed him peanuts
I'll pack him lots of peanuts when we go

We come undone out in the sun
In our coconut parade
We've got it made out in the shade
Tell our boss we've all resigned
The troubles in your mind unwind
On the beach it's all downhill
Let's relax and spill the chill
On our island paradise
Let rum on ice become our vice
And not bother thinking twice

I Know I Saw That Freakin' Girl (Explode)

I been standing here for hours
Staring at all the bunny flowers
That pop up when you come around
Hoping you'll pluck 'em off the ground
And I feel my heart explode
When that girl walks down the road

I been standing here for hours
Putting up with November showers
Pony rabbit nibblin' at my shoelace
I don't mind cuz I'm dreamin' of your pretty face
And I felt my heart explode
When that rain turned into snow

Oh no! Woopsy daisy!
Oh, she drives me crazy!
Takes out my brain and replaces it with candy!
Oh by gosh! By golly!
Holy moly, Molly!
Pining for you is my modus operandi!

I been standing here for hours
Throwin back a couple-a whiskey sours
Setting off honey fire-crackers
Thinking when she comes it won't impact her
And I felt my heart explode
When I saw that girl explode

Caffeine Dream

Good eats smells tickled my nose
In the morning as the sun rose
Had a great big bite of green tail
But I couldn't chew through those tough scales
So I called up el Vaca de Spacio
He taught me cow, so I finally know
How to say "moo" on the moon

Heart beats fast in my caffeine dream
I can't sleep in my caffeine dream
Palms get wet in my caffeine dream
Open up my eyes, caffeine dream!

They told me that it could not be done
But I made headlines when I froze the sun
And sold scoops of it for $9.99
Yeah it's spicy but the taste's divine
It was so cold we set the moon on fire
Through the icy air came the angel's choir
Singing "Hey who burned the cheese?"

Dalton, Jack of Spies

I'll hire Dalton, Jack of Spies
To uncover all the lies, all the lies

You think you're all alone
But you're next to the Jack of Spies
The Feds can't close in on him
He's so deeply in disguise

He'll pitsol whip you in the face
And turn you in for the prize
Invest it all in the Dow Jones
You know his stock's on the rise

Who you call when you're in trouble?
Better be the Jack of Spies
Dalton gets there on the double
Rides a bike for the exercise
He'll discover all the secret files
Disappear without a trace
Though you might pass him in a crowd
You won't recognize his face
You won't recognize his face

Into the Wild

On a dark and dusty road
The wind kicks up sleet and snow
And Frank takes one more step away from home

As the day began to dim
A dark stranger approaches him
"Can I cook you a meal, you look so thin"

She said, "Beware of this filthy fen
Danger lurks 'round every bend
But we'll be safe once we reach my home"

All she was was a witch in the rye
Sucking life from the passers-by
With a wink and a smile and sharpened teeth

On your knees, between trees
In the dark, on your knees
In the dark, between trees
Into the wild, into the wild
My mouth won't make a sound because my face is on the ground

In a dank and dimly lit room
The witch brews up a tasty stew
And Frank takes one more sip away from home

Frank pulls from a flask of wine
Unaware of the witch's design
And soon the sordid spell begins to take hold

And he drank and he drank and he drank
What have you got yourself into Frank?
Why can't you see how this is going to end?

Vision blurred and all askew
He bumps the witch right into the stew
And passes out so warm so safe the end

A Plant You Can't Love

I tried to kill this here plant
Tried to kill it, but I can't
Every time it starts to wilt
I cry down on its arid silt

I ignored it for a month or five
But that little fucker was still alive
Carrying on like an aeroplane
That's got a refueling thing

One day I passed out for a year
Guess I drank up too much beer
Woke up when, well, wouldn't you don't know?
That there plant bust through the window

Reaching up with its branchy might
Hunting down that golden light
Cost me like four hundred dollars
To fix that window

The Cretian Isle

A bit ago in Crete
Good ol' Theseus pulled off a feat
Slew the Minotaur got in his car and sped off with a girl so sweet

When ol' Minos heard the news
He quickly flushed out the clues
And said, "Daedalus, man, you're going in the can and your son is going too"

So in the labyrinth's trial
They roamed a while
On the Cretian isle

They had some candles in their packs
And they melted them down for wax
That with feathers and some string they fashioned into wings which they strapped onto their backs

And so Daedalus, wise and old
Told Icarus, young and bold
"Don't be so damn brash or your ass is gonna crash into a sea green, mean, and cold"

Then in single file
They flew away in style
From the Cretian isle

"I'm flying, Dad, I'm flying
I'm like a bird, Dad, look at me
High in the sky like Helios
I've never felt so fucking free
Oh, Dad, my wings are melting
I'm one sad teardrop drooping towards the sea
I'm drowning, Dad, I'm drowning
Trapped beneath the waves I'm history"

The moral of the story is to tie your shoes
Because he who hesitates is bound lose
One bad egg will spoil the batch
But don't count your chickens before they hatch
A friend in need is a friend indeed
You can't cut a stone and make it bleed
When the cat's away the mice will play
And an apple a day keeps the cat away
Eat your greens, but don't feed the bears
An escalator can't break, it will just become stairs
One man's maze is another man's measure
Don't melt the wax if you can't grow the feather

The Battle of Fort Foreman Pt. II

Darkness fills the land
Enshrouding us despite our last stand
And as Fort Foreman fell
Douglas flung open the gates of Hell

Fleeing through the night
Plotting our revenge to make things right
The union was unbound
So we delved into the underground

Sirens wail
Parapets scaled
And so we must bail to the underground
In chaos
Signals crossed
And so we disband in the underground
In darkness
No music
Will play for the band in the underground
We languish
In anguish
Now that we've been banned to the underground

Tripping over logs
And pursued by android robot dogs
Fleeing hurt and lame
Yearning to avenge this loss in George's name

Barkley snarled and grinned
Tattered bed sheets blew in the wind
Shoelaces were undone
As Irish devil bats blotted out the sun

Fort Foreman (Alas, the Fort) could not be saved
Now the countryside's enslaved
And we're hunted like dogs
Well, we have not lately shaved
Let our tombstones be engraved
Cuz we're hunted like dogs
Yeah, we're hunted like dogs

Android dog bit off my leg
Now I walk upon a peg
Waiting to hear news of my old friends

Safety pot fell off my head
Bullet grazed my ear and I bled
Stains cast down upon my best white shirt

Barkley's minions hunt me down
As I press on from town to town
Staying just a step ahead of death

I relive the battle in my dreams
Now I suffer from weak stream
No more, no less the man I used to be

Living off the bugs I find
Screams of comrades in my mind
No memory of the man I used to be

Shot a demon, stubbed my toe
Man it really hurts, you know?
I swear that Douglas will pay for his crimes

Walking down this road of sorrow
I'll rebuild my strength tommorow
But for now I'll just try to survive

I bruised my arm and now you see
It's hard to lay down and watch TV
I swear that Barkley will pay for his crimes


Bone Wagon

Tilt your head back but don't swallow
We're sinking fast above the mast because this leaky ship is past its prime
Here we go on the Bone Wagon
Ossified but not quite dried, our leather faces weather places
My avian bones are weak they're hollow
The milk I drank was just a prank from blank faces that I have not yet thanked

Hey there Mr. Driver, where are you carting us to?
Lugging all our dusty bones across the English countryside
Hey there Mr. Driver, what is our destination?
Do you follow constellations or do you know this route by heart?
Hey there Mr. Driver, I'm helpless on your wagon
Keep me from the vultures for just one more day

Anything that you wanted to say, anything that you wanted to talk about
I hope you said it cuz your jaw don't work anymore
Anything that you wanted to hear, anything that you wanted to listen to
I hope you heard it cuz your ears don't work anymore
Anything that you wanted see, anything that you wanted to look upon
I hope you saw it cuz your eyes don't work anymore
Any place that you wanted to go, any place that you wanted to travel to
I hope you went cuz the Bone Wagon takes you home now

We've got our place in time and space unto the charnel house we be delivered
'Til then we can dance, we could dance, we should dance, leave it all on the floor
We can dance, we could dance, we should dance, leave it all on the floor

Resting never until forever, pay the price to board the Bone Wagon
'Til then we can dance, we could dance, we should dance, leave it all on the floor
We can dance, we could dance, we should dance, leave it all on the floor

A price was paid for this one way stay:
A silver tongue and a life worth living
The countdown comes with funeral drums
You get the thumbs up to leave this planet
Carefully steered to the atmosphere
This bag of bones tears through the heavens
The Bone Rocket creaks as it lurches for the peaks
As the darkness nears Charon whispers softly,

And all he said was, "Take your seat so we can complete what you can't repeat"
And all he said was, "Buckle up, we're blasting off and this could get rough"
And all he said was, "Take this time to reflect on your crimes and the worms that you burned"

The stars all stream like laser beams
Dearly departed from the land of the living
With vapor trails of memories
All shimmering in the wake of history
The timelessness is meaningless
As we surpass the rings of Saturn
As Pluto nears the light of years
Hides behind your mind, then Charon whispers softly,

And all he said was "Watch your step: you can't compete with two left feet
You're on your own with sticks and stones cuz what you cast will come back home
Keep what you reap but the Reaper knows what you sowed when you sold your soul down a black hole

Bones collide as the Wagon rides
As Charon guides, our approach vector's solid
Our journey ends as we descend
Delivered to the hall of Hades
Where souls are rent from marrow spent
Time to retire these bones so weary
The Bone Wagon returns again
To the land of men, no rest for Charon

And here we goes, the end of the road...the road the name of which nobody knows
Out past the point of no return you'll meet the fate that you have earned
You can't outrun the Bone Wagon. In the hot, hot sun my bones rattle on the Bone Wagon!